No, Nikki didn’t leave me. Nor did she perish in a volcano. She’s visiting family and taking care of the grand-daughter for two weeks. But her absence has triggered something unusual inside of me.

This is (I’m 99% sure) the topic of the next video. And it’s not going to be what everyone might expect. Yes, I miss her and the bus isn’t the same solo. But there is also something bigger in play. Maybe. Kinda.

It needs exploration.

If someone were to ask “who are you?”, you’d probably have a pretty decent answer. For me I’d probably say something along the lines of “we’re nomads, exploring the cultures and places of everywhere”. But did you notice the pronoun? I said “we”.

I tend to think in terms of we, which is fine. Nothing wrong with that, we’ve been together for over ten years now. We’ve earned a we.

But the question was about who I am.

Would I still be a traveling nomad, living in a converted school bus if it were just moi? Would things be minorly different or wildly altered? How much of my current persona is based on a “we”?

This is the true question I’ve been asking myself.
And truthfully, I’m not sure I have an answer. Yet.

So yea, you get to be my psychotherapist today. As well as a collaborator on a possible video idea. I’d love to hear your thoughts before I start lamenting into a camera. 🙂

A couple of years ago Nikki and I did run into a rough patch. The details don’t matter but I was solo in the bus while we worked things out. So yea, I have some experience as a “just little ole me” nomad, but then again I was still part of a “we”, just one that wasn’t physically together.

This time feels different. Because I know we’re healthy and I even know the date she’ll return (I’m picking her up after all). It’s just a short absence. Sure, looking over at her side of the empty bed feels wrong (and surprises me several times a day). But it also triggers some deep questions inside myself.

Like … who am I … outside of “we”?

I truly don’t have an answer right now. It needs to be pondered. I believe that yes, in some way or the other I would still be a nomad. Maybe not in a bus, per se. But the mindset is indeed firmly inside of me.

But would it be different? That’s the real question. And if so, why can’t that difference exist in the now? In the land of “we”? I think it can, once I discover who truly I am. The time I’m currently spending alone is more than just a “temporary bachelor – let’s head to the casino” thing. Although …

So yea, Ricky’s got new spending money. But I digress. LOL!

When I was driving back from the Salton Sea the other day, I had hours to ponder things. Deep things about myself and the life that I lead. Why I do it. What I might change.

What I need to change.

And it all started with a sense of my own personal needs. Something I think we’re all guilty of setting just slightly aside when we’re in a partnership. A lot of my pondering had to do with things that couldn’t possibly clash, but nonetheless had been set aside.

And I didn’t know why. But I knew had to be faced.

I know this sounds so ominous, but it isn’t. These days, I feel I have walked ever so slight back from truly living in moments. Something you wouldn’t expect from a dude who lives in a bus. But most of my explorations recently … I’ve just been calling it in. Playing with the surface and never looking deep.

A choice I need to change.

It started with smell. And noticing minor details. So many memories and moments start with the lesser senses. And I realized that I don’t rely on them any more. I look, sure. But I don’t experience things with all of my self.

Is that who I was as “me”? Who I am now? Have I dulled myself out of some misguided notion of unity that doesn’t need to be?

I truly believe that a couple is stronger when each of the partners is themselves strong. When each has a solid sense of who they are. My own sense is a little muted these days, and I’m starting to feel very grateful for Nikki’s babysitting duties as it has given me the opportunity to explore some deep thoughts.

Well crap! … now I don’t need to make a video! I’ve solved it here! LOL!

OK, maybe those on the main channel can get something from this. I suppose I’ll make this a video after all. Thanks for being my sounding board. Maybe you could share some of your thoughts so I have more than just five minutes of self-rambling? 🙂

~ Rick