Spends Winter Manually Overriding It to Assert Dominance

I used to think that my husband was intelligent. Then we bought a smart thermostat.

It began innocently enough — a few adjustments here and there, muttering something about “optimal efficiency curves.” But by week two, he was charting temperature fluctuations like NASA tracks reentry angles. He hasn’t slept in days.

This morning I woke up in what I can only describe as a desert ecosystem. The cat has melted into a liquid state. My hair is frizzing like an ’80s power ballad. Meanwhile, he’s standing in front of the thermostat, sweating like a prizefighter, whispering, “It’s finally learning.”

I tried to open a window, but it’s sealed shut from the heat expanding the frame. I considered calling 911, but I’d have to admit that my husband has been in a power struggle with a piece of plastic.

If I don’t make it out, please tell future generations: he died doing what he loved — asserting dominance over a device that already won.