I’ve been struggling a lot lately, and dying to share what I’m feeling. But words are hard sometimes. There are so many moments when they come so near … and then whisper away as you so desperately try to capture them.

Nights in the desert seem to help. Walking around in the cool air, looking back at the silhouette of the bus with the inside lights trying hard to fight back against the darkness. And I wonder.

What made me choose this life?

I mean seriously. I know that it’s all YouTube-y to convert a school bus into a mobile home. But in the dark, looking up at that hulking slab of metal, I can only wonder what in the hell possesses someone to think it’s all a grand idea? LOL!

But it’s home for us. Most of the time.

I’ve spent almost all of my adult life with roots. A typical home in a typical neighborhood. And it was fine. I got to hang out with friends on a regular basis. I had closet space for stuff. There was nothing wrong that made me run away to … this.

But here I am, in the Arizona desert, looking up at eleven tons of misappropriated steel. LOL!

Here’s the struggle part. Most days I just sit up in the front recliner, laptop doing its thing, occasionally looking out the window. Wishing I had some motivation.

All of this newness around me, and the possibility of those tires taking us elsewhere, and I … don’t. I instead work on random ideas for a channel and have to force myself to go outside occasionally and film something (which doesn’t happen as much as I want).

I know this sounds like depression, but it’s actually something deeper. Maybe.

In a way I think I have too much possibility at times. Too many things I could be doing. Just locked up with firm possibilities of definite maybes. And so much analysis paralysis. Which leaves a lot of goodness out there, just waiting for me.

Have any of you guys experienced this? Or am I the neurotic one in the conversation? LOL!

In a perfect world, I would be making tons more videos on YouTube that resonated with folks. I would be entertaining them. Making them smirk and shake their heads. Creating content here on Patreon for some special friends and interacting. Sharing. I would be constantly jumping from adventure to exploration. And there have been so many moments when that was indeed my norm.

I wonder why it waxes and wanes so much?

So anyway, this isn’t a whine-fest. Not really. It’s just a statement. Putting myself out there, because you can’t alter your path if you don’t first acknowledge your direction. (Damn, that’s pretty deep for an old white guy).

And I do want to alter my trajectory. The current video-in-the-works is actually going to riff on that. And granted, the title and thumbnail above are most definitely in “draft“. LOL!

For me, I think it’s not a matter of self-improvement, but in adding something: joy and laughter. You can never have too much of those. This I wholeheartedly believe. So I’m going to poke some fun at the ennui I find myself in. If I can’t motivate myself out of that drab, beige recliner … then I’m going to laugh myself out of it.

I’d love to hear from you on the subject. Do you also struggle at times with too little or too much … and then simply ignore it all until the coffee kicks in a few months down the road?

Thanks for listening. I find the w(h)ines of ’26 to be very flavorful apparently. But everything in moderation, right?

~ Rick