She swore she wasn’t making it up.

“You think this is bad?” she whispered, tilting her head toward the kitchen counter where Greg was mid-lecture to the toaster. “You should’ve seen the garage last week.”

Apparently, she’d gone out there to grab some paper towels and found him moving from tool to tool like a motivational speaker on a very niche TED Talk tour. He’d pick one up—a wrench, a hammer, a socket driver—and in his most patient tone explain its purpose, origin, and mission statement.

The table saw got a full biography, including its glory days cutting pine for their first deck. The screwdriver set was scolded for “losing focus” and reminded that “this family expects precision.” Even the tape measure got a pep talk about stretching to its potential.

He was dead serious. He claimed some of the tools weren’t “pulling their weight” lately, and he was just giving them the knowledge they needed to succeed.

Now here he was, earnestly briefing the toaster on the science of bread browning. And the worst part? The toaster seemed to be listening.